The River, The Job (Yes Again Still), The Market

It's getting real!  2 months to go on the adventure.  (Probably.)  I do not have a long list, but I am trying to do things when it makes sense.  And also when they don't because time waits for no one.  

I ate the last of the super fancy mooncakes.  

#Sparkly  #ExpirationDateComing  #SoDelicious  #DaanGoCakeLabsFTW

When the Sunday weather was gorgeous, and I needed to move about in preparation for what will likely be a pretty grueling week (atop the pile of recent grueling weeks), I decided that NOW was the time to go walk along the Humber River.  

#HumberBumberBee  #HAHAHAHAHAHA  #I'mHangingInThere  #AsAreTheseFlowers  #AndBees  #We'reAllFineHereThanksForAsking

#AdventurePath  

#IHadToGetOffThisHighPathBecauseThereWereFolksMinorlyCanoodling  #BothTheWayThereAndTheWayBack

#TheEndOfTheAdventurePath  #ITookOneLookAtItAndTurnedAround  #ThereWereSoManySidePathsDownTheCliffThatIResistedTheUrgeToTake  #ItWasn'tAStrongUrge  #TheUrgeToLiveWasDefinitelyStronger

The joke was kind of on me because the entrance I used was the one that actually doesn't have much walk along the river.  Next time, I know which entrance I need to use.

#TheWrongWay  #IWasVeryCarefulOnTheWrongWay  #ThisFeelsLikeAMetaphorForSomething

I eventually found a second park bench surrounded on 3 sides by foresty area to do a little bit of reading in nature.  After the 4th time I heard timberwolf noises coming from the forest and the dogs in the park were paying attention to the area, I decided to go find somewhere else to sit.  It was like 5 PM and not far from the city, so actual timberwolves seemed unlikely, but I also didn't really want to encounter anyone who thought it was fun to sit in the forest playing timberwolf noises.

#PrettyNice  #VeryGreen

#RiverWalkedBy  #Official  #LookAtThatSky  #ThoseRocks  #ThatBird

#YesThatBird  #HiBirb

#AndOneLastTree  #WeepingWillowFromBelow  #VeryDramatic

#YouCan'tHearHowHardI'mLaughSnortingAtThisOne  

#WhatYouHaveNOTAllBeenWaitingFor

#WhatIHaveNotBeenWaitingFor

So.  Had that meeting with former boss.  She's still not done with looking into it, but basically my choices are what I thought and not what I'd hoped.  There is no sudden promotion to the level I have been working at since 2019.   Here are my options (highly colored by my level of frustration)

• I can continue to do work far beyond my job level that helps bring the department recognition and prestige and has effects throughout the plant and globally, and they will be happy to keep not recognizing or rewarding my work at that higher level.  Maybe they can give me a different job title at that level.  
• Maybe possibly someday there MIGHT be a promotion if there is a "BUSINESS NEED" (a mysterious and undefined excuse they use when I am asking then to define leveling guidelines for promotion but not when they are given random promotions that they hand out to other people who are NOT me because they have been setting me up for failure for years because I have "so many other skills" they can't imagine I would want to stay in my current department despite the hundreds of times I have said I want to stay in my current department).
• Maybe if I come up with a really stellar idea in the next week and a half (while I am working on my actual work for 60 hours a week), that will impress someone (?) and . . .  Something?

So it seems like maybe one of my choices is to return to this abusive and exploitive relationship and hope maybe they have learned their lesson and will change and suddenly be better managers.  Or I could just be burned out and disengaged and choose to only do work at the level they are willing to compensate me for and stop doing the stuff I'm good at and love more because I just don't have the energy to throw into it if there is no real benefit to offset the cost for me.  

#IWish

That's not the end of it. The temporary role I'm taking could potentially be a more permanent thing if I can get the effort and time and energy and belief in humanity together to find the right person in this group and present the information to them about how I could help them.  But that role is very nebulous, possibly nonexistent, and, if this last 4 months is any indication, it might be beyond my capacity to sustain long term health and energy wise.

#Don'tWorryThere'sAlwaysThis...WeirdlySpecificJobPosting  #ThoseAreSomeVeryDistinctAndNotNecessarilyOverlappingSkillsSets

So in this very busy week, I have been crabby and feeling very discouraged.  I'm in a really negative place, and I don't like that.  The people who make decisions don't know of value what I do, and I have no energy to try again to craft a perfect document with citations to make my case.  It hasn't worked.  I feel like a huge fake, like nothing I do matters, like I'm making it all up and building the bridge as I'm walking across it, and it's all falling apart, and it all feels like too much.  I don't want to try anymore.  I just want to rest and read and go to the park and be allergic to nature and not have anyone relying on me without being willing/able to compensate my time. 

#ObviouslyINeedAVacation  #ButIHaveTooMuchWorkThatLiterallyOnlyICanDoToTakeOne

I was supposed to have Friday off, and I managed to get away for a few hours to go back to the St. Lawrence Market at my own pace.  In the shortened time due to the work I had to do all morning on my vacation day.

#WeAreHereToHaveFunDagnabbit  #FunWillBeHad

#OrAtLeastAGlutenFreeSavoryCrepeWillBeHad

#AndSomeDAiryFreeHotCocoa  #APigeonGotPrettyBoldAndJumpedOntoTheBench  #ThenPigeonJumpedOntoTheTableAndTriedTo...DrinkMyHotChocolate?  #I'mNotSureWhatThePigeon'sPlanWasHere  #IExplainedThingsAndItLeft

#I...ReallyWantToLikeArepasMoreThanIActuallyDo  #It'sProbablyTheCheese

#LookAtAllUsTouristsRestingAndRelaxing  #SurroundedByWildArchitecture

Then back to the Distillery District for some seasonal gifts to bring back on my (possibly final) home leave: sparkly chocolate skulls.  Don't worry, there's 0% chance of rain all day!  I checked!

#DearReader  #ItRained  #NotMuchButStill  #BadWeatherGuessersNoNo  #FantasticCloudFormation

As I contemplate returning to the US, I am needing to pay more attention to things like the new mask bans that some states and cities are enacting.  As someone with a wacky immune system who masks, it is WILD to me that there will be places in the US I should not go because I could get arrested for protecting myself and others from said wacky immune system.  Some say that's unrealistic because there are exceptions for folks with disabilities, but my disability is invisible if I am not wearing any of my various braces on the outside of my clothing.  I guess I should be glad that I had to re-do my wardrobe (generous term) after the knee injury.  Now at a glance people can tell there's something wrong and maybe they shouldn't hassle me about my mask.  But what about my disabled neighbors who don't have a visible badge or sign of disability?  Why should they be hassled?  It's a bit mind-blowing and sad.

#HereIsSomeHilariousAIStupidityForGiggles

I also finally finished the audiobook of All The King's Men by Robert Penn Warren.  All the content warnings, but the man was a poet, and his fiction writing shows it.  Was it sometimes too much?  Yes.  But, oh, did it make me think.

#Wow

Stay tuned to find out if I end up actually getting any vacation or leave days I don't have to work during!  Until then, here's a pumpkin mousse pumpkin from down the road.  May you enjoy the bounty and sweetness of fall!