Thursday, December 11, 2014

I Need a Hero

I am being pathetic.  As early as last weekend, I was starting to come to the unavoidable realization that I do not have the energy to seek justice on the matter of my seller lying to me about replacing something in the house that then proceeded to break and damage the unit below me.  For some reason, I still hesitate to pull the trigger and put in the insurance claim that will likely make my insurance premiums too high for me to pay if I ever have another claim.  Today I found myself thinking of a lovely Chris Rice song where he sings in his usual gentle, amused way about how much he needs a hero to come in and save him just like in all the stories.  That's when I was forced again to face the fact that, often, people in need of justice don't have the energy to get it themselves, and that's why we need to live in community.  When someone is too weak to do what needs to be done, the rest of the community can move in and help out.  In theory.

It's hardly a new lesson; I learned it thoroughly over the course of my decade-long inability to get my life together enough to go after the government for breaking its word after I got hurt working for them and ended up disabled and in a hazy mental fog of chronic pain.  I should know I am not strong enough to seek justice for myself, haven't been since the year I was sexually assaulted by a classmate and bullied by a teacher and the school principle (and didn't tell anyone about any of it).  But I always used to be strong enough to seek justice for people in my sphere of community, whether it was bringing a case before a health teacher who didn't believe a classmate had fractured her arm in gym class to a college committee wanting to stop considering the most deserving award nominee for an incredibly hypocritical reason to my retail employer deciding to change the dress code to require all of us barely-minimum-wage-earning employees to purchase a whole new wardrobe, I fought to the last.  I didn't always win, but I followed through, and I could say that I did everything that could be done. 

Or maybe I should say that I did everything I possibly could.  It's just that I used to be able to do so much more.

I was younger then.  Less damaged in every sense of the word.  The things I can do now are actually more limited.  I can't make sure the criminal gets punished by the forces of justice.  I  can't keep waiting for a hero to step in and take care of all of it.  I need to just do what I have to do to move on.  But I'm stuck here.  I don't want to throw in the towel.  More could be done.  But not by me.  And there is nobody else.  Adulthood really sucks because finally you're old enough to do things only to find out that so many things that should be done can't be done.  Oh, God, I need a hero.

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