The River, The Job (Yes Again Still), The Market

It's getting real!  2 months to go on the adventure.  (Probably.)  I do not have a long list, but I am trying to do things when it makes sense.  And also when they don't because time waits for no one.  

I ate the last of the super fancy mooncakes.  

#Sparkly  #ExpirationDateComing  #SoDelicious  #DaanGoCakeLabsFTW

When the Sunday weather was gorgeous, and I needed to move about in preparation for what will likely be a pretty grueling week (atop the pile of recent grueling weeks), I decided that NOW was the time to go walk along the Humber River.  

#HumberBumberBee  #HAHAHAHAHAHA  #I'mHangingInThere  #AsAreTheseFlowers  #AndBees  #We'reAllFineHereThanksForAsking

#AdventurePath  

#IHadToGetOffThisHighPathBecauseThereWereFolksMinorlyCanoodling  #BothTheWayThereAndTheWayBack

#TheEndOfTheAdventurePath  #ITookOneLookAtItAndTurnedAround  #ThereWereSoManySidePathsDownTheCliffThatIResistedTheUrgeToTake  #ItWasn'tAStrongUrge  #TheUrgeToLiveWasDefinitelyStronger

The joke was kind of on me because the entrance I used was the one that actually doesn't have much walk along the river.  Next time, I know which entrance I need to use.

#TheWrongWay  #IWasVeryCarefulOnTheWrongWay  #ThisFeelsLikeAMetaphorForSomething

I eventually found a second park bench surrounded on 3 sides by foresty area to do a little bit of reading in nature.  After the 4th time I heard timberwolf noises coming from the forest and the dogs in the park were paying attention to the area, I decided to go find somewhere else to sit.  It was like 5 PM and not far from the city, so actual timberwolves seemed unlikely, but I also didn't really want to encounter anyone who thought it was fun to sit in the forest playing timberwolf noises.

#PrettyNice  #VeryGreen

#RiverWalkedBy  #Official  #LookAtThatSky  #ThoseRocks  #ThatBird

#YesThatBird  #HiBirb

#AndOneLastTree  #WeepingWillowFromBelow  #VeryDramatic

#YouCan'tHearHowHardI'mLaughSnortingAtThisOne  

#WhatYouHaveNOTAllBeenWaitingFor

#WhatIHaveNotBeenWaitingFor

So.  Had that meeting with former boss.  She's still not done with looking into it, but basically my choices are what I thought and not what I'd hoped.  There is no sudden promotion to the level I have been working at since 2019.   Here are my options (highly colored by my level of frustration)

• I can continue to do work far beyond my job level that helps bring the department recognition and prestige and has effects throughout the plant and globally, and they will be happy to keep not recognizing or rewarding my work at that higher level.  Maybe they can give me a different job title at that level.  
• Maybe possibly someday there MIGHT be a promotion if there is a "BUSINESS NEED" (a mysterious and undefined excuse they use when I am asking then to define leveling guidelines for promotion but not when they are given random promotions that they hand out to other people who are NOT me because they have been setting me up for failure for years because I have "so many other skills" they can't imagine I would want to stay in my current department despite the hundreds of times I have said I want to stay in my current department).
• Maybe if I come up with a really stellar idea in the next week and a half (while I am working on my actual work for 60 hours a week), that will impress someone (?) and . . .  Something?

So it seems like maybe one of my choices is to return to this abusive and exploitive relationship and hope maybe they have learned their lesson and will change and suddenly be better managers.  Or I could just be burned out and disengaged and choose to only do work at the level they are willing to compensate me for and stop doing the stuff I'm good at and love more because I just don't have the energy to throw into it if there is no real benefit to offset the cost for me.  

#IWish

That's not the end of it. The temporary role I'm taking could potentially be a more permanent thing if I can get the effort and time and energy and belief in humanity together to find the right person in this group and present the information to them about how I could help them.  But that role is very nebulous, possibly nonexistent, and, if this last 4 months is any indication, it might be beyond my capacity to sustain long term health and energy wise.

#Don'tWorryThere'sAlwaysThis...WeirdlySpecificJobPosting  #ThoseAreSomeVeryDistinctAndNotNecessarilyOverlappingSkillsSets

So in this very busy week, I have been crabby and feeling very discouraged.  I'm in a really negative place, and I don't like that.  The people who make decisions don't know of value what I do, and I have no energy to try again to craft a perfect document with citations to make my case.  It hasn't worked.  I feel like a huge fake, like nothing I do matters, like I'm making it all up and building the bridge as I'm walking across it, and it's all falling apart, and it all feels like too much.  I don't want to try anymore.  I just want to rest and read and go to the park and be allergic to nature and not have anyone relying on me without being willing/able to compensate my time. 

#ObviouslyINeedAVacation  #ButIHaveTooMuchWorkThatLiterallyOnlyICanDoToTakeOne

I was supposed to have Friday off, and I managed to get away for a few hours to go back to the St. Lawrence Market at my own pace.  In the shortened time due to the work I had to do all morning on my vacation day.

#WeAreHereToHaveFunDagnabbit  #FunWillBeHad

#OrAtLeastAGlutenFreeSavoryCrepeWillBeHad

#AndSomeDAiryFreeHotCocoa  #APigeonGotPrettyBoldAndJumpedOntoTheBench  #ThenPigeonJumpedOntoTheTableAndTriedTo...DrinkMyHotChocolate?  #I'mNotSureWhatThePigeon'sPlanWasHere  #IExplainedThingsAndItLeft

#I...ReallyWantToLikeArepasMoreThanIActuallyDo  #It'sProbablyTheCheese

#LookAtAllUsTouristsRestingAndRelaxing  #SurroundedByWildArchitecture

Then back to the Distillery District for some seasonal gifts to bring back on my (possibly final) home leave: sparkly chocolate skulls.  Don't worry, there's 0% chance of rain all day!  I checked!

#DearReader  #ItRained  #NotMuchButStill  #BadWeatherGuessersNoNo  #FantasticCloudFormation

As I contemplate returning to the US, I am needing to pay more attention to things like the new mask bans that some states and cities are enacting.  As someone with a wacky immune system who masks, it is WILD to me that there will be places in the US I should not go because I could get arrested for protecting myself and others from said wacky immune system.  Some say that's unrealistic because there are exceptions for folks with disabilities, but my disability is invisible if I am not wearing any of my various braces on the outside of my clothing.  I guess I should be glad that I had to re-do my wardrobe (generous term) after the knee injury.  Now at a glance people can tell there's something wrong and maybe they shouldn't hassle me about my mask.  But what about my disabled neighbors who don't have a visible badge or sign of disability?  Why should they be hassled?  It's a bit mind-blowing and sad.

#HereIsSomeHilariousAIStupidityForGiggles

I also finally finished the audiobook of All The King's Men by Robert Penn Warren.  All the content warnings, but the man was a poet, and his fiction writing shows it.  Was it sometimes too much?  Yes.  But, oh, did it make me think.

#Wow

Stay tuned to find out if I end up actually getting any vacation or leave days I don't have to work during!  Until then, here's a pumpkin mousse pumpkin from down the road.  May you enjoy the bounty and sweetness of fall!

A Week Was Had By All

 After last week, this was the calm before the next storm and the preparing for the next storm and paying for the last one, so here are some memes.

#Murderbot'sGreatWaveOfNotCaringSnoopyStyle

#ReallyGladThisDoesn'tHappenVeryOften  #Midnight:TooTiredToThinkAndAlsoStayAsleep

#IThinkI'vePostedThisBefore  #StillSometimesTrue

Now that it's really autumn officially / astronomically / whatever, I'm looking forward to seeing this new season.

#StillNeverReallyHeardTheseGuysUpHere

#EatingTheLastOfTheSummerFruits

#NotLiterallyTrueButStillFunny

#EveryCoupleOfWeeksIReconsiderSittingWithTheOtherPeopleInMyGroup  #ThenIRememberWhyThemHavingEasyAccessToMeInBusyTimesIsBad

#Preach  #Also,I'mSorry,Everyone

I was supposed to have a meeting with previous boss this week, but she had to move it out.  So we have to wait another week to see what they will offer as a path forward when I return from this assignment.  I am definitely looking forward to having weekends again.  And actual vacation days.

#StillWaitingToSeeWhatMyChoicesAre #ThisFeelsLikeAnImportantPoint

#BeenAWhileSinceThisHasHappened  #ButYes

Hoping you get the rest you need.  And find lots of funny memes to make you laugh and snort.

Hitting the Wall, A Well-Placed Vacation Day That Was Not Peaceful, Fun Anyway

Well, it's been coming for a while with all the work I'm juggling, and now it happened.  But first, such cute Mid-Autumn Festival stuff!

#Awwwwww

#TimeForTheChiropractor  #TryingToStaveOffThatCollapse  #HangInThere

#ItWasTime

On Thursday of this week, I hit the wall.  I just kind of stopped functioning correctly at an offsite work celebration that wasn't scheduled and communicated well or set up to be particularly accessible.  Too bright, too loud, nowhere to sit down, no announced schedule, too much time between things, body and brain said:  

#Fair

The message was clear.  So I ignored it and raced back to the office to stage manage a global town hall call.  (You will be unsurprised to find out that I was not quite all there before and during the global call.)

#PreachIt,Squirrel

And then it was!  It was Friday!  And I was a mess!  But I had PLANNED THINGS, DAGNABBIT.  And I was, by gum, going to do them, regardless of how poor of a choice it was.  The weather was going to be perfect, and I am running out of time to do things here, and I would have both weekend days to lie in a heap as though slugged by a mallet.  

#TheFacesOfPeopleWhoAreGoingToHaveFunDarnIt

I refused to be thwarted by the very sketchy online experience trying to buy tickets the night before for the bus.  4 devices, 55 minutes of my life, 0 success.  I refused to acknowledge the universe might have been trying to tell me something when I missed the bus by 12 seconds and had to go kill time until the next one.  I was here to see architecture and take names!

#Architecture  #ChoicesWereMade  #ByArchitects  #IJustSatInTheBus

#IAmNotAnArchitect,ConstructionWorker,OrPhysicist,SoThisMakesMeVeryNervous  #HowIsItBeingHeldUp  #ItWeighsSoMuch  #HolyScienceBatman

#RandomDogFountain  #IfTheVideoLoads

One of the things I've found fascinating since I first went to Downtown Toronto is the way they keep the shells / exteriors of the historic buildings and then either build up on top of them or gut the insides and then build something tall but keep the exterior shell of the cool building that used to be there. This is apparently because of a building code (either in Toronto, Ontario, or Canada) that says they can't trash cool old historic buildings.  The results are pretty wild.  I like it.

#PresentedWithoutComment

#YeahThat'sACastleInTheDistance  #CasaLoma  #NotReallyACastleBecauseNoRoyaltyLivedThere #FascinatingStory

The tour bus guides varied widely in skill, energy level, and investment.  The first person was the most engaged and energetic, which makes sense in that it was still early in the day.  Part of his job is to hawk tickets to the attractions we are stopping at for a discounted price.  I hopped out to go to the CN Tower and asked to purchase a ticket and learned that they could have sold me the ticket if we were further away from the tower, but since we were at the tower stop, they could no longer sell me a ticket at a discounted price.  

#ParForTheCourse  #TheDayWasCursedAndIWasGoingToLiveWithThat #TheFunWILLContinue

If you are ever in Toronto doing this double decker bus tour thing, I recommend you start at the St Lawrence Market stop, so you can get some food in you.  The Distillery District stop might also be a good one to start with (more upscale food and shops).  Union Station also has some food, if you can find where to go into the bowels of the earth under it where all the actual food is.  

I did not.  I missed the bus from the Tower due to waiting patiently at a crosswalk to cross it legally and then decided to walk to Union Station thinking there had to be food there, but there were no clear signs or directions to point me to where it was or how to get to it, so I went back to the stop to prevent missing the bus, and then it almost didn't come because it can't stop there after a certain time.  (Approximately every 27 minutes is a filthy lie. : )

St. Lawrence Market was overwhelming and delicious.  Big slab of two types of bacon on a bun?  Sure, sign me up.  Possibly tasted even better due to me being very hungry at this point.  Then Distillery District and then . . . waiting for the every-27-minute-bus for 53 minutes.  My body was so past done at this point.  I didn't even have the energy to get mad.  Or be rational.  I could have walked to the last stop (or gotten there on transit) 3 or 4 times in that number of minutes, but I had PAID for that bus ticket, and I was, by golly, going to listen to all of the interesting historical commentary if it killed me.

#DescribingMyLastNerve

When the bus finally came, the tour guide was struggling as much as I was.  She couldn't remember the script, kept stumbling over her words and dates, couldn't get a coherent sentence out, and eventually just gave up, sat down, and messed with her phone.  

#TotallyWorthWaiting53MinutesFor  #NotEvenVaguely  #ButLookAtThatSky