To Go or Not to Go

Dear friends, I have the opportunity to go on a 12-day choir tour to Germany, Austria, and the Czech Republic this January.  I was initially really excited; then reality set in.  If you have a little time to read through my thought process and then get back to me to let me know whether you think I should go (+) or not go (-), I'd appreciate the input!

+ Holy cow!  Germany, Austria, and the Czech Republic!  Castles, monasteries, cathedrals, singing beautiful music with a lovely, young choir!  Wow!  The last time I went was almost 10 years ago!

1. - And it was almost a total disaster.  I was at the lowest point in my health since my senior year of high school.  I was in constant pain, my asthma and allergies were rowdy, I wasn't getting more than a couple hours of sleep a night, and my immune system was a mess.  I was cold all the time, too exhausted to go exploring, and didn't really have anyone in the group that I was very close to.  It was miserable.  I ended up getting so sick I missed a performance and was too sick to even care.

2. + My health is much improved since then!  I don't get 6 sinus infections a year that last for a month!  My allergies and asthma don't lay me flat all the time!  I have meds to make sure I get at least 4 hours of sleep a night at least a couple times a week!  My pain is much more controlled, my thyroid is functioning again, and I am generally not nearly as miserable due to undiagnosed health problems!

3. - My health is improved because now that I have diagnoses and have gotten treatment, I have ways to deal with symptoms.  Most of these ways involve controlling things.  Controlling environmental allergies by staying indoors in filtered environments, controlling humidity, controlling what I sleep on, controlling my schedule to make sure there's enough time for rest and that I'm moving when I need to move, controlling my temperature, what and when I eat, how and where I exercise, what and when I drink, when I go to bed and wake up, and making good choices to not spike my progress.  I will have none of that control on this trip.  There is really no option to rest when I need to or control my schedule.  I will not be able to withdraw to get my parasympathetic nervous system working.  I could undo all the progress I've made in the past few years.  I could end up in pain all the time for months as a result.  I REALLY DON'T WANT (the very realistic) FEAR OF PAIN TO BE THE DECISION MAKER.  I also don't want some weird mid-life crisis "Pain won't control me" rebellion crap to be the decision maker either. 

4. + I would get to make beautiful music in beautiful places!

5. - Unless I got totally sick again!  How frustrating would that be!  To have the opportunity and not be able to enjoy it because of being sick.

6. + Seriously what are the chances I will ever even have this opportunity to make this kind of music in these kinds of places  ever again?!  I'm not getting younger, and there is no guarantee I won't be less able to go in the future.  Seize the day!

7. - I whacked my knee on a chair a few years ago and have had limited mobility ever since.  There are consequences for walking too much, not walking enough, walking for too long, using stairs, standing too long, sitting too long, walking on uneven ground, walking on slick or icy or frozen ground, losing my balance, slipping.  These things are all going to be required, and then I'll have to stand to sing concert-length performances.  (This has been a huge struggle, and it was only last year that I was able to actually do it.  I had to rest for months afterward to get my pain back under control, and the concert was somewhat torturous in terms of pain.)  Will I be miserable going to these beautiful places and not being able to explore them?  I'm a climb-all-the-staircases-in-the-castle and look-around-everywhere kind of person.  I can't do that anymore.  Will it feel frustrating and awful to only be able to look at the beauty I can't explore anymore?  If I have to sit on the sidelines in cafes on flat ground just looking at things I can't explore from a distance, will that by incredibly frustrating and leave me feeling lonely.  And what if some person feels like they need to keep me company and misses out (and annoys me while trying to pityingly keep me company when I just want to be alone with my misery)?

8. + I have the vacation time I would need for the first time ever.  And it's cheaper than going alone.  (I would spend this much money on the airfare and hotel alone.)

9. - I would likely still be going alone because I would have no close friends on the trip and would likely have to expend lots of my limited energy interacting politely with strangers waaay younger than me on the tour bus for long periods of time.  Or adults much wealthier than me with which I might have nothing more than a love of amateur music in common with.

10. + I can afford it.  Barely.  This is the first time in my adult life that I can say that.  Coincidence?

11. - I have the money.  But I also have appliances that are going to break and need replacing soon.  There are also lots of other things I could use the money on.

• more savings in case of medical or other emergencies
• contributions to my friends who are going to be medical missionaries in Africa
• larger gifts to charities doing great work to help the homeless, free slaves, support families of martyrs
• replace increasingly aggressive, leprous bathroom floor and get a soaker tub to continue to reduce my pain levels
• purchase a piece of beautiful art by Yudong Shen (https://www.facebook.com/MeiLinArtStudio), so I could add to the beauty in my home that I can enjoy every day (this thought makes me as delirious with joy as the thought of getting to sing in cathedrals and old churches)
• pay down student loan debt
• pay down car debt after I was rear-ended and had my car totaled earlier this year
• save up for Yellowstone trip with friends from college next summer (I'll have to pay for lodgings for myself that have AC/environmental filtering controls, so it'll be expensive)
• save up to take my sister to Japan to climb Mt. Fuji some day

and so much more!  There are always a number of choices about how to use money.  Huzzah.

So, those are some of my thoughts, and I have to make a decision soon.  If you have thoughts or advice or opinions about whether I should go or not go, please feel free to comment below or email/message me.  Thanks for your time and assistance and wisdom.  : D

Love,
TMIA

Jury Duty (a Horror Story that hasn't even started yet)

I want to do it.  I'm afraid I can't do it and that trying to do it will result in hurt.  That's the gist of it.

Just the other day, I was thinking about whether I would ever get the chance to serve on a jury.  I think it was when I overheard the little old ladies at the therapy pool talking about their experiences over the years.  The first two times I was called up, I had to pass because I was in another state or another country, I think.  That was when I was young and politically active and enthusiastic and full of patriotism and uprightness and duty.   

A friend and I were discussing an important jury trial in the news recently, and I wondered if I would be able to serve on a jury.  Definitely not on a capital case because I do not believe I would be able to convict someone unto death.  But on something else?  After the baffling verdict, I read that the jury repeatedly asked for transcripts of certain testimony, and the judge denied their requests.  Baffled, I researched and read elsewhere that's common, that judges don't want to give people transcripts of some and not all and many judges don't want to give any transcripts.  They are more likely to approve requests for video so that all nuances are present.  Jurors are required to rely on their memories of the lawyers' arguments, witness testimony, laws, and information.

I don't think I can do that. 

My memory is better now than it was back when things were Very Bad, after I got hurt working for the government, and it turned into a chronic minor disability which robbed me of sleep and increased my overall pain until my health was getting worse and worse, and I could not have served if I were summoned, though at least I would have been making more on jury duty than I did working full time in  a retail underworld while trying to get a master's degree to make myself employable despite my disability.  

Today I got the summons.

Now that my health is on a general upward trend and not a downward spiral, I thought that I had relaxed somewhat, that I had mellowed with age and increased experience .  That I would not be overly serious about jury duty like I was about driving passengers in a car when I first got my license ("Their LIVES were in MY shaking and inexperienced hands!).  That I was not so patriotic and bound to my duty after my country treated me badly after I got injured in its service and left to the charity of family to prevent bankruptcy because there was no more money left for the government assistance I did quality for.  That I would not panic and over-think things.

I was wrong.

 I have known about being called for a little over an hour, and I am overwhelmed.  I find that I still desperately want to serve and do this duty diligently and with care, but if those are the rules, I cannot in good conscience do so.  If I am supposed to remember every detail and every nuance of testimony, if I HAVE to, if someone's freedom depends on my ability to understand and recall, and I can't do that reliably because of all the years of chronic pain, bad sleep, and further injuries, is it right for me to check No in box 5 where they ask if I have a disability that would affect my ability to serve just because I want to, and just because it's only a small disability?

Am I still prone to over-seriously over-thinking everything? 

Well, at least some things.  Clearly this is one of those things.  I have a lot of questions I will be asking shortly.  Can jurors stand up during a trial and move around to prevent their bodies from stiffening and causing distracting agony?  Can I take notes with my voice recognition software?  (That's probably a terrible idea, considering what it does to mangle anything I say when I use it for writing that contains any emotion at all.)  Can I get transcripts of everything since I can't rely on my memory (especially not for something this important)?  The information says most trials last 3-5 days.  If it was a really simple trial and only a day, maybe I could keep it together, but 3 days of things to remember?

I think I need a towel.

I could just try to calm myself down by pointing out that in all likelihood, I wouldn't even be called.  And if I am, I don't think there are any high profile cases coming up, and if there are, they'd disqualify me in a heartbeat if the stress made me somewhat incoherent.  So I should clearly not check Yes.

The problem is that incoherent me is just fine for most people.  They wouldn't even notice or know I wasn't functioning at full tilt or what I was worried about because I can't articulate well on the spot under stress on account of the not-sleeping from the pain and whatnot.  So I might get called up and be TERRIBLE at it, and some poor schmuck could get convicted for something because I can't articulate my point of view and reasons to convince people on the spot.  So I should clearly not check No and wait for the embarrassing process of proving I'm a bad choice and the guilt that would come from knowing they think I'm a bad citizen for "trying to get out of jury duty" when I'm really not!

But what if my slightly-incoherent reasoning and my stubbornness was the only thing saving some poor schmuck from a terrible fate?  And I wasn't there, and so that terrible fate happened?  So clearly I should not check Yes.

And I should definitely never start a land war in Asia. 

(And it's unworthy to even be concerned that this will be during rehearsals for a performance.  Or that the training I have to create and finally just scheduled for the whole department is during this time.  Or that it might be right over an important project deadline.  Because life and work conflicts are true for everyone, and many people have more of those than I do and still serve on juries because it's part of the territory of being a good citizen.)

Just because I'm not at full capacity doesn't mean it's impossible for me to serve, does it?  Does it?

Sigh.  

Thoughts?

chilli dreams in spring

Did you ever wake up from one of those dreams where you were eating really good chilli with indeterminate loved ones?  What is that all about?

What's the point of milk?

So some health professionals encourage people to stop eating dairy and replace it with things like Almond milk or Rice milk.  The thing is that when I compared the original, unsweetened versions of these products to skim milk, skim milk appeared to win on all nutritional fronts except sugar.  I am told that one can buy fortified versions of these products, which leaves me confused.  I mean, I thought the idea was that I was being told to drink less milk because it's not healthy to drink a lot of it.  But foods that are artificially enriched/fortified are not as good for people as natural foods that have the good stuff in them without any artificial additives (such as grass-fed, rbh-free, no-antibiotic milk).  I am so confused.  What is the point of replacing milk with a less-healthy, less-tasty alternative?  Any ideas?

Regret vs. Common Sense vs. Expectations vs. Peace

And then there's this simple question from the doctor:

"You've been in pain from this for 5-and-a-half years, and this is the first time a doctor is seeing it? "

Well, yes.  Funny how that happened.  I fell and landed on my back and then saw doctors for that and then had physical therapy.  At physical therapy, they improved my back, and my hip started hurting.  The PT folks said to come back if the hip didn't improve on its own.  When it still hurt a few years later and I had a better job, I went to PT for it without seeing a doctor.  It makes sense.  But five and a half years?  Is my sense of pain and my way of dealing with it so screwed up that I would let this thing happen to me when I would not let it happen to another?

The regrets start again. 

What if
I had gone
right when it
started hurting
or at least earlier
than 5 years? 
Could I have prevented something?  Lessened
some damage?  Did my lack
cause this more serious hurt?
Could this regret have been prevented?

Common sense intrudes. 

And when
would you have found
time for this?  And money? 
And energy?  You did not
have these things.  Let go.  Learn.  Move on. 
Stop hurting yourself more
over the hurt you may
or may not
have done yourself. 
Be at peace.
Live now. 
Go.

I try to convince myself not to expect the worst.

Maybe it's not torn cartilage or arthritis.  Maybe it is something to do with the natural structure and inflammation, and it can be fixed.  Maybe the flying pigs can fix it after they stop this sick feeling in my stomach which may be more related to allergies than stressing out about imaginary potential hip surgery it will be hard for me to afford.  Or not so imaginary tests involving needles in my hip and how debilitated I was from needles in my wrist.

Be at peace, dagnabbit.  Why won't you listen? 

Worrying won't help.  God is with you.  
You'll be fine no matter what happens.

Clutch towel. Don't panic.

Breathe in.  Breathe out. 

Why marathoning a show is not always a good idea

I watched most of the first season of the Big Bang Theory over the course of a couple of weeks.  I enjoyed the show, but I noticed something kind of odd.  In this marathon--and back when I marathoned Firefly--I began to suspect that episodic shows with multiple writers (most of them for weekly television series, I would imagine) tend to seem kind of scattered.  I didn't comb through scientifically, but there seems to be a pattern where certain episodes play up certain facets of certain characters, and I wonder if the episodes that play up the same thing are by the same writers.  I don't know if some writers just like certain characters or feel that certain sides of those characters don't get enough screen time, but the overall combination can seem oddly uneven when watched en masse.

I hesitate to say that this makes the whole seem artificial because by nature these things are artificial: they're TV shows about fictional people, but maybe this is why shows are still often played weekly: people don't nit-pick about this sort of thing when there's a whole week of life in between brief viewings of these fictional lives.

While Firefly was definitely more obvious in this regard, it's only fair to point out that it was also shorter in terms of episodes, so maybe the episodes that would have helped even things out never got made.

Are there any shows where you've noticed this disparity between character continuity in different episodes?  Do you care?

Is being the token female so bad?

"Critics say the recently proposed campaign leads to tokenism, where women are invited as keynote speakers to placate concerns over gender imbalance. Worse yet, they argue tokenism casts a cloud over a woman’s seat at the table because onlookers will question whether she was included for her sex or her merit. Others say the status quo is simply unacceptable and that drastic measures — initiated by the world’s leading male philosophers, no less — must be taken." - Kathryn Blaze Carlson

Echoes of Affirmative Action here.  And also literature, I think.  There is debate about this in literature even now, I think.  When folks assemble a new literature survey book, they have to make decisions.  Do they include women nobody read when they were alive and publishing simply because they're female (and we want a more "balanced"--not necessarily accurate--representation)?  Since most women weren't educated and thus couldn't serve as an audience, does that justify inclusion of people who didn't have a wide readership because they were female?

Part of me thinks that it would really irk me to be the token female or to be suspected of being her.  However, I was quite happy to hang on to a job for years due to my disability status.  I really needed that job.  I think I would have kept it even if I was somehow only allowed to because of my chromosomes.

Am I just really inconsistent here, or is the usual war of practical and theoretical, perfect world and actual world colliding.  What are your thoughts on the topic?

Really? For real?!

Dear Local Barnes & Noble,

Why exactly is your 50 Shades of Gray display table located next to the kid's section?

Sincerely,
Concerned & Curious

Meat raffle, anyone?

I live in the great white north, and up here, we apparently love our meat raffles in the winter. I see them advertised everywhere, from church signs to bars to mom and pop roadside restaurants. And every time I see them, I wonder . . .

Wonder no longer, my friends. I have gone to the source of most knowledge to find out what a meat raffle is, and I hereby share this information with you so that neither of us have to wonder anymore. 

Now you know. And knowing is either half the battle or the beginning of avoidance.  I guess I should tell myself it's posh if the British do it, right?  I really wonder if anyone's written a child's picture book about a meat raffle.

Do you have any weird, winter traditions in your region? 

The age when everything is a story

My nephew is at the age when everything is a story.  He thinks in narrative, and when he plays, he creates a story for whatever is going on.  It may not always make sense to Grandpa or Mommy, but it's definitely a story to him.  I remember that aspect of my childhood, too, and I encountered it when babysitting and working in the church nursery.

I'm pretty sure this is common for most children, and I find myself wondering why.  My li'l nephew's parents and teachers read to him, so maybe being given stories all the time calls for the same in return.  If so, do kids who aren't given stories so freely skip this stage?  I'm very curious.

Is play necessarily narrative-based?  Do we all naturally, intriniscally think in stories?

What is your experience? What stories do you remember playing?  Where do you think you learned to play that story?  And when did you stop?

What makes you revisit a work over and over again?

A reader pointed out that maybe I asked too many questions at once in this post, so I decided to break it down and ask one at a time.  Sort of. :)

Do you have a movie or a book you just keep re-reading or re-watching?  What makes you keep coming back to that particular work?

Drama vs. Melodrama

What is the difference between drama and melodrama?  Can you think of any good examples of both or either?