Glorious Home Leave(s) and Planning for My Return

#That'sTheStuff

It looks like fall and feels like summer with added stinging leaves instead of stinging insects, and I will take it.  I successfully executed my plans.

#SundayPlansHammockAudiobookDrowsingBlanketToFendOffLeaves

#MondayPlansMedicalAppointmentRepeatSunday

My activity tracker was pleased with this resting-walking-sleeping-reading thing.

#IPlanTo

#ICelebrateMyReadinessWithMoreHammock

#Cozy

Then it was back to work and then back to the GTA.  My occasional awful luck with rideshares reared its head, but I've finally stopped shivering.  My frustration will keep me warm.

#HangInThereEveryone  #We'llAllBeGladWhenIt'sOver  #EspeciallyMe

Got back to work with a brain that felt like pudding and a strong desire to take a week off.  But we're headed into the last 5 weeks of crunch time and my assignment here, so we'll have to pull it together!

#Let'sCallItCreativeNonFiction

We did not really pull it together, which is probably why we had a likely slightly ill-advisedly honest conversation with our manager.  Two of them actually.  One brief and in person while he was leaving, and I was . . . working later than I planned due to a monitor failure and an unwillingness to ask for help.  One regularly scheduled later in the week.  It wasn't quite no-holds barred, but it was somewhat raw.  He absolutely baffles me.  He claims that his goal as a manager is to help his employees reach their career goals.  But he knows my career goal, and he is unwilling to express an opinion on whether I am capable of working at that higher level or whether I am working at it now.  He does not believe it is his role as a manager to tell me what he thinks I am capable of.  He believes his role as a manager is to find out what my goal is and help me move closer to it.  But, dude, how on Earth can I KEEP giving 150+% for no reward for you when you won't even say that you believe I am operating at that level and should be recognized as such?  How can I possibly believe you will advocate for me and fight for me in calibrations when you have admitted you don't believe in me and aren't willing to fight for me?  I'm just stunned and exhausted.  And frustrated.  And mad that he is still so willing to drive me and my expertise out of the department because of this weird inferiority complex specifically my managers have.  What an absolute waste that all of my contributions at the plant and global level don't matter and aren't valued by him or the next couple levels up.  I'm just kind of done.  Still.  Again.  Sigh.  Until next time.

#ExtraMysteriousBecauseIDon'tEatMustard

On the plus side, this is useful.  My choices are narrowing.  Something in my current temporary line of work that is ideal or back into this abusive relationship with my eyes wide open and my goals lowered, clarified, and aligned on with my manager.  

So with a deep breath and a To Do in my last 5 weeks on this adventure, let's have some fancy Saturday tea and art, shall we?

#TastyFoods  #MasalaChai

I also need to remember that I do like the scent of some floral teas when I can smell them, but they still taste like leaves in water.  (Looks pointedly at anything peach.)  Then briefly around the art museum to the galleries I didn't get to the other times in case this is my last time.

#TheColorOnThisOneNeverQuiteComesOutCorrectWithCellPhoneCamera

#Acrylic  #TheColorsOnThisOneFolks  #WishYouCouldSeeInPerson

#DefinitelyNotPreRaphaelite  #OrHudsonRiverSchool

#IAmInLoveWithTheGreenBlueColorHere  #AlsoDidNotComeOutRightInCellPhonePic

#IWishYouCouldSeeThisOneInPersonToo  #TextileArtWow

 

#TheseAreTheKindThatLookBetterFromFarAway  #TheyCaptureSomethingEssential  #UpCloseNotSoMuch

I grabbed a last chicken sandwich from the Chinese Bakery to eat in 3 days when I am not so full of tea.  And . . . okay, I walked over to The Beguiling to buy some very heavy manga that I will regret having to get into my suitcases when I leave, but it's the last time!  I don't know if you go into melancholy mode when something is ending (usually my time in a place because I am moving), but I get all weepy and "This might be the last time I walk past my tree / garden bed / restaurant / art museum / garage stall / doctor's office / seriously anything."  I am self-aware enough to know it's pretty funny while also enjoying the nostalgia.  Pre-nostalgia?

  

The weather here is definitely fall now, so let's get in our walkies while it's still dry and warm enough not to cause dysautonomia issues.  Let's end with a random transit puppy.  May you all be dry and warm and able to rest in comfort like this transit puppy.    

Resting, Panicking about Next Steps, The Last Home Leave(s)

Well, this week things got real.  I confirmed that my time on my Great Canadian Adventure will not be extended, which means that soon I will be headed back into the breach of my regular job full of despair and distrust of my management's competence.

#PleasePauseForThisPositiveThought  #TheWeatherHereInGTAIsStillAwesone

With the news that my career goal will remain unattainable with my current department, I'm having to knuckle down and try to figure out how to get my heart onboard with my brain's plan (stay in this department, disengage at work, do only work at the level they are willing to compensate me for, use my energy and passion in the community, collect my paycheck, drop down to 80% when my body decides that is necessary, . . . retire) or figure out if I really do have other options that I have the energy and desire to pursue.  

#PleaseEnjoyThisNewEntryIntoTheConstructionSiteMysteriousFurnitureGame  #IDon'tKnowWhatHappenedToTheChairsFromEarlier  #ILikeToBelieveTheyWereFinallyUnitedAndWentOffOnAJourneyTogether

Toward that latter end (trying to find out about other options), I've been reaching out and emailing people and setting up meetings.  That I don't really have time to prepare for due to having real actual work to do.  That I am finding it hard to do because of the (waves toward great wave of not caring driven by discouragement of previous situation).  And whose names I will have to keep straight.

#Correct  #Sigh  #AtLeastThey'reMostlyTeamsMeetings  #SoICanSeePeople'sNames

The great news is that the person who hired me for the role is fully onboard about the value of what I do and how it could help them in the future, but he's moved to a different role and doesn't get to make decisions about this.  So I will have to meet his replacement who knows nothing and try to be coherent.  Stay tuned.

Monday was a holiday, and I did a lot of resting on Saturday and Sunday to keep the cost of last Saturday's Niagara Falls jaunt down.  Books.  Podcasts.  Naps.

#PumpkinTart  #Raspberries  #HolidayCheer

Got my hair cut.  I was going to try to grow it out and got it cut last time with that in mind.  The hair stylist warned me that it would look absolutely horrible while I was growing it out.  She was NOT wrong.  I . . . just couldn't take how bad it looked.  Maybe I am stuck with short hair because I will never be able to handle how bad it looks growing out?  Regular hair cut person is moving and was booked up, so another person cut my hair and ironed out all the curls, so please enjoy this falsely straight cut that will never actually look like this again.  Also, I don't even know where I took these pictures a few days ago after the haircut (at the grocery place?), but the lighting is weirdly dramatic.

#ItCouldLookLikeThisEveryDay  #IfIHadFunctionalHands  #AndYearsOfProfessionalStylingExperience  #AndProfessionalTools  #AndWasn'tAllergicToHairGunk  #AndWasWillingToSpendTimeStylingItAtAll  #WhichIAmNot  #InCaseYouWeren'tSure

Explored some more around Union Station underground area, cleaned for the cleaners, packed for the last home leave, and left.  My hair did not look like this.

Packing and suitcase slinging choices were made.  They were bad choices.  I'm glad I got an answer about the time not being extended because I could bring all my warm weather clothes home and leave them there along with one of The Suitcases.  (!!!!!)  However, yeah, I didn't do smart things when packing and moving suitcases, and I failed to brain in advance and didn't wear the braces I should have, and . . .  Choices have consequences.

Consequences that I plan to assuage with some hammock time because the weather is going to be ridiculous.  

And consequences I will try to not exacerbate due to the awesome weather and the desire to walk around the neighborhood and see all my tree friends catching fire!  Hopefully not literal fire because Minnesota is in a very dry spell again, and the red flag warnings are not infrequent.

#That'sTheStuff

Anyway, it is good to be home and contemplate all the things I am going to recycle and pass along to others who need them more than I do.  And stuff I am going to clean.  And stuff I am going to rearrange.  And take weekends off for real.  And read too much manga.  And use the money I saved from the death of my main discount manga /anime supplier (RIP Right Stuf) to create a more ergonomic home office / home computer setup.  Hope you are having an October that makes you glad you live in a world with Octobers.

Moving the Trash Can to Make Life Better and Other Things I'm Doing As My Adventure (Maybe) Starts to Come to an End

Lest you think ALL is despair, frustration, and woe in my world, I will have you know that after being here more than 9 months, I realized that I could put my trash and recycling cans here at the end of the counter instead of under the kitchen sink and thus reduce the number of potential dishwasher-related shin incidents significantly.  #ContinuousImprovementHooray

#VictoryIsMine  #MyShinsRejoice

Me: (Waxing eloquently melancholic in my head about the fading of the light in autumn and how everything seems darker in my apartment as the seasons change toward winter.)

Also Me: Hey look, one of the light bulbs in our office space burned out!

Me: . . .

Also Me: : D

Me: It can be both.

#SortOfIssa  #ExceptIt'sAlsoNotActuallyCold

#MoreLikeThatBasho  #FeelsLikeAutumnEveNotAutumn  #NotComplaining

And while thinking about going back to the zone of despair that is my regular job is not great, I've been working with lots of folks, and we are doing a lot of great work!

#LookAtTheseHappyPeople  #IPromiseTheyAreSmilingBehindThePixellation  #GuestStarringMyThumb

Here's a fun friend I picked up somewhere driving around.  

#AnybodyKnowWhatThisIs?

Probably on the day I drove 3 extra hours due to my quest to find the mysterious salad dressing, which was not at any place I have ever shopped here somehow.  The quest continues.  I wanted to use the washroom before checking out, but apparently that is not allowed in the big city because they wouldn't want a homeless person using the facilities.  So I had to purchase my groceries and then LEAVE THEM SITTING OUT WHERE ANYONE COULD TAKE THEM before I could enter the washroom.

#BigCityProblems  #AlsoAgingEyesProblems  #CouldNotFindOrReadTheCodeOnTheReceiptToSaveMyLife

Since I didn't get my full day off the previous Friday, I took a couple hours off this Friday to head back to the St. Lawrence Market to see if the bacon sandwich tasted that good only because I was very hungry the previous time.  For science.  Science says it was just as delicious this time.  Feel free to test for yourself.

#YUM

I also really wanted to try the scratch made swiss roll I had seen the previous time and grab something festive to eat for the Canadian Thanksgiving holiday on Monday.

#Festive!  #NotYourLittleDebbieSwissCakeRoll

Then it was off to watch The Wild Robot.  I had read the book and forgotten most of it.  I expected to get choked up at the end.  I did NOT expect to get regularly choked up throughout the film.  I was not as distracted by the unique animation style as I thought I might be.  Recommend it.  Bring tissues.

Then, it was on to my big adventure at Niagara Falls.  The weather looked perfect, my time here is probably running out, and Monday is a holiday for resting up, so why not?!  It was pretty last minute, so I didn't have any meals or agenda planned out.  I decided I wanted tea, so I used my Google-fu and ended up here for . . . not brunch,

#BLunchIsServed  #IGotTheirTeaAppetizerAndSomeBaconForProtein  #ThisBlogPostIsBasicallyFueledByBacon

Hey, look, there were some waterfalls, too!  Did a lot of walking.  Rode the Ferris Wheel.  Did some poor decision-making to follow a plan that ended up in a nail-biter ending where I got back to the train station with 120 seconds to spare!

#VictoryIsMine  #WouldRatherWinMoreComfortably

#LuffySaysHiFromARestaurantIFDidn'tGoTo

Hope your autumn is bright.  Or that you are brighter than I am and notice your burned out bulbs before you way melancholic for no reason.  : D

The River, The Job (Yes Again Still), The Market

It's getting real!  2 months to go on the adventure.  (Probably.)  I do not have a long list, but I am trying to do things when it makes sense.  And also when they don't because time waits for no one.  

I ate the last of the super fancy mooncakes.  

#Sparkly  #ExpirationDateComing  #SoDelicious  #DaanGoCakeLabsFTW

When the Sunday weather was gorgeous, and I needed to move about in preparation for what will likely be a pretty grueling week (atop the pile of recent grueling weeks), I decided that NOW was the time to go walk along the Humber River.  

#HumberBumberBee  #HAHAHAHAHAHA  #I'mHangingInThere  #AsAreTheseFlowers  #AndBees  #We'reAllFineHereThanksForAsking

#AdventurePath  

#IHadToGetOffThisHighPathBecauseThereWereFolksMinorlyCanoodling  #BothTheWayThereAndTheWayBack

#TheEndOfTheAdventurePath  #ITookOneLookAtItAndTurnedAround  #ThereWereSoManySidePathsDownTheCliffThatIResistedTheUrgeToTake  #ItWasn'tAStrongUrge  #TheUrgeToLiveWasDefinitelyStronger

The joke was kind of on me because the entrance I used was the one that actually doesn't have much walk along the river.  Next time, I know which entrance I need to use.

#TheWrongWay  #IWasVeryCarefulOnTheWrongWay  #ThisFeelsLikeAMetaphorForSomething

I eventually found a second park bench surrounded on 3 sides by foresty area to do a little bit of reading in nature.  After the 4th time I heard timberwolf noises coming from the forest and the dogs in the park were paying attention to the area, I decided to go find somewhere else to sit.  It was like 5 PM and not far from the city, so actual timberwolves seemed unlikely, but I also didn't really want to encounter anyone who thought it was fun to sit in the forest playing timberwolf noises.

#PrettyNice  #VeryGreen

#RiverWalkedBy  #Official  #LookAtThatSky  #ThoseRocks  #ThatBird

#YesThatBird  #HiBirb

#AndOneLastTree  #WeepingWillowFromBelow  #VeryDramatic

#YouCan'tHearHowHardI'mLaughSnortingAtThisOne  

#WhatYouHaveNOTAllBeenWaitingFor

#WhatIHaveNotBeenWaitingFor

So.  Had that meeting with former boss.  She's still not done with looking into it, but basically my choices are what I thought and not what I'd hoped.  There is no sudden promotion to the level I have been working at since 2019.   Here are my options (highly colored by my level of frustration)

• I can continue to do work far beyond my job level that helps bring the department recognition and prestige and has effects throughout the plant and globally, and they will be happy to keep not recognizing or rewarding my work at that higher level.  Maybe they can give me a different job title at my current level.  
• Maybe possibly someday there MIGHT be a promotion if there is a "BUSINESS NEED" (a mysterious and undefined excuse they use when I am asking then to define leveling guidelines for promotion but not when they are given random promotions that they hand out to other people who are NOT me because they have been setting me up for failure for years because I have "so many other skills" they can't imagine I would want to stay in my current department despite the hundreds of times I have said I want to stay in my current department).
• Maybe if I come up with a really stellar idea in the next week and a half (while I am working on my actual work for 60 hours a week), that will impress someone (?) and . . .  Something?

So it seems like maybe one of my choices is to return to this abusive and exploitive relationship and hope maybe they have learned their lesson and will change and suddenly be better managers.  Or I could just be burned out and disengaged and choose to only do work at the level they are willing to compensate me for and stop doing the stuff I'm good at and love more because I just don't have the energy to throw into it if there is no real benefit to offset the cost for me.  

#IWish

That's not the end of it. The temporary role I'm taking could potentially be a more permanent thing if I can get the effort and time and energy and belief in humanity together to find the right person in this group and present the information to them about how I could help them.  But that role is very nebulous, possibly nonexistent, and, if this last 4 months is any indication, it might be beyond my capacity to sustain long term health and energy wise.

#Don'tWorryThere'sAlwaysThis...WeirdlySpecificJobPosting  #ThoseAreSomeVeryDistinctAndNotNecessarilyOverlappingSkillsSets

So in this very busy week, I have been crabby and feeling very discouraged.  I'm in a really negative place, and I don't like that.  The people who make decisions don't know or value what I do, and I have no energy to try again to craft a perfect document with citations to make my case.  It hasn't worked.  I feel like a huge fake, like nothing I do matters, like I'm making it all up and building the bridge as I'm walking across it, and it's all falling apart, and it all feels like too much.  I don't want to try anymore.  I just want to rest and read and go to the park and be allergic to nature and not have anyone relying on me without being willing/able to compensate my time. 

#ObviouslyINeedAVacation  #ButIHaveTooMuchWorkThatLiterallyOnlyICanDoToTakeOne

I was supposed to have Friday off, and I managed to get away for a few hours to go back to the St. Lawrence Market at my own pace.  In the shortened time due to the work I had to do all morning on my vacation day.

#WeAreHereToHaveFunDagnabbit  #FunWillBeHad

#OrAtLeastAGlutenFreeSavoryCrepeWillBeHad

#AndSomeDAiryFreeHotCocoa  #APigeonGotPrettyBoldAndJumpedOntoTheBench  #ThenPigeonJumpedOntoTheTableAndTriedTo...DrinkMyHotChocolate?  #I'mNotSureWhatThePigeon'sPlanWasHere  #IExplainedThingsAndItLeft

#I...ReallyWantToLikeArepasMoreThanIActuallyDo  #It'sProbablyTheCheese

#LookAtAllUsTouristsRestingAndRelaxing  #SurroundedByWildArchitecture

Then back to the Distillery District for some seasonal gifts to bring back on my (possibly final) home leave: sparkly chocolate skulls.  Don't worry, there's 0% chance of rain all day!  I checked!

#DearReader  #ItRained  #NotMuchButStill  #BadWeatherGuessersNoNo  #FantasticCloudFormation

As I contemplate returning to the US, I am needing to pay more attention to things like the new mask bans that some states and cities are enacting.  As someone with a wacky immune system who masks, it is WILD to me that there will be places in the US I should not go because I could get arrested for protecting myself and others from said wacky immune system.  Some say that's unrealistic because there are exceptions for folks with disabilities, but my disability is invisible if I am not wearing any of my various braces on the outside of my clothing.  I guess I should be glad that I had to re-do my wardrobe (generous term) after the knee injury.  Now at a glance people can tell there's something wrong and maybe they shouldn't hassle me about my mask.  But what about my disabled neighbors who don't have a visible badge or sign of disability?  Why should they be hassled?  It's a bit mind-blowing and sad.

#HereIsSomeHilariousAIStupidityForGiggles

I also finally finished the audiobook of All The King's Men by Robert Penn Warren.  All the content warnings, but the man was a poet, and his fiction writing shows it.  Was it sometimes too much?  Yes.  But, oh, did it make me think.

#Wow

Stay tuned to find out if I end up actually getting any vacation or leave days I don't have to work during!  Until then, here's a pumpkin mousse pumpkin from down the road.  May you enjoy the bounty and sweetness of fall!