Deep breaths!
"It's Gonna Be All Right" by Sara Groves has also been running through my head a lot lately. Like my brain is trying to tell me something . . . I hope it's right. If not in this case, at least it's Sara Groves. Now I need to listen to the whole album. And her whole catalog.
"Well this could be all about just letting go, or this could be all about just holding on."
I have loved this song since the first time I heart it years ago. And every word feels very present right now as I still feel like things are flying apart for me. I am still very hurt by the betrayal of my leaders, but is it really the right choice to just give up and run away? Shouldn't I be trying to wrestle with my hurt and humiliation to get to a place where I can carry on like I was before doing good work I enjoy (less of it moving forward due to some other changes they're making)? Can I keep up with those changes. (I don't think so.) I don't have a clear idea of what the right choice is. I feel very stuck, and I want someone to pull me out.
That's what I was feeling a couple months ago. And then there was this email that said they needed someone with my expertise who maybe would like to move to Canada for a year. And it felt like maybe that was how God was reaching down here to help pull me out.
Maybe it was, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I just have to trust that God will be with me regardless of my choice. And that there is a good ending on either path.
"There is happiness for those who accept their fate. There is glory for those who defy their fate." - Princess Tutu anime
Stay tuned.
The first book Gideon the Ninth is basically a mystery puzzle video game full of necromancy and POV characters being terrible to each other because they have been so traumatized that they don't quite know how NOT to be terrible to each other. None of these things should appeal to me. But I got a huge kick out of this snarky, quirky book even as it killed off basically everyone, including the people I liked. It was hilarious and ridiculous (in addition to being gross).
The sequel Harrow the Ninth was harder to like (just like Harrow). I mean, there are unreliable narrators and then there are guilt-ridden and unlikeable narrators who arrange destructive brain surgery for themselves to make themselves even MORE unreliable before the beginning in a book full of even more gross necromancy and characters I don't like, and my time with my preferred narrator was limited. How do you solve a bunch of mysteries when you've sort of foxed the brain of the person you most spend time in? And how can this super complicated and sad set of situations be resolves? Well . . .
The third book Nona the Ninth was just a delightful breath of fresh air for the most part. This unreliable narrator had complete memory loss and could have been one of two people and had a bafflingly endearing personality. The book once again had the sort of end that upends everything that came before it and had the sort of end reveal that required me to read it again immediately after finishing it the first time. There was very little gross necromancy. The point of view character was a sweetheart. The memory loss trope was complicated further by the whole souls and bodies in different combinations.
I am waiting for the next book to see what curveballs come our way and if certain characters that aren't quite dead do better in any way.
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