Shopping Sprees and Icing

Trying to plan and buy 6 month supplies of all the things that I can't get in Canada for comparable prices is . . . fun.  And there's no way it will all fit.  With the medical-related stuff taking up 2 of the 4 suitcases, there isn't really much room for everything else.  I might have to take the home leaves just to swap out stuff.  If I ever leave.  I go from being sure they're professionals who know what they're doing and they're not just going to call it off from wondering how they get paid to do things this poorly.

Please admire my first backing in properly picture. The stuff was easier to unload. Please ignore everything else.

But if I do go, whenever that is, I will have all the stuff, dagnabbit.  And I am being good about icing in between.  Better now that I've ordered extra gel packs for icing to bring with me.  They'll be sufficiently cold, and I'll be able to ice more things at once, possibly reducing the overall time it takes to ice.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to not have to carefully plan exercise and an hour of icing twice a day.  It's 3-5 hours of personal healthcare a day.  And most people don't have to do it.  What do they do with all that time?  How many books could they read in that time!  (Especially if the physical act of reading books didn't cause them debilitating pain?!)

It's not like I don't do anything.  I get a lot of books and podcasts listened to.  But I think that also contributes to me being bad at actually resting.  I still, after decades of this, feel like I'm not doing enough and that resting is not actively doing things but passively wasting time.  It's kind of appalling how built in that is in my bones and brain.  Even after so many years of not being able to actively do the things without great consequences.  Resting is how we prevent consequences.  We know this.  And yet.

So, we prepare and we live in hope that the subcontracting companies get their acts together, so we can get away from the agony at work and the anguish of not knowing and being in between.  Stay tuned.

Eating great while cleaning out the fridge!

Things to Pray for (an edited list : )

I still don't know when I'm leaving. It might be December 1 (next week). It . . . might not. No one knows. Which seems . . . problematic. So. 

Here are some things I could use prayer for as I prepare for my Canadian adventure!

• Patience
• A date of departure
• An address for arrival
• For my borrowed Canada phone to connect to wifi, so I can try to get an e-sim card for it before I leave (whenever that is) 
• That I will rest regularly and sufficiently
• That my foot will calm the #*&% down and function without extreme pain
• That my brain will focus instead of fragmenting and fogging 
• That my pelvis and ribs and shoulder and knee will be happy and stay in the right place like it's their job that they like doing
• That I will pack / fit everything (so maybe pray for some time- and space- bending abilities?)
• Peace and calm
• Ability to prioritize 
• Ability to complete tasks in order of priority and without getting constantly distracted
• Ability to make decisions
• Organization for the new job responsibilities
• That VPN will work so I can read, listen to, and watch my stuff without shenanigans
• That my housing will meet my needs
• Pain levels stay manageable

I'll keep adding things to the list. I appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts! 

Anything I can pray about for you? Comment or message me! 

a song that has been running through my head as I pray and contemplate and plan

Begging you to be my escape - some details about the why

So, some stuff happened at work.  And suddenly, I just didn't want to be where I was anymore.  

And then this ask came along to potentially relocate to Canada for a year, and I was on it.  I checked first to be sure there were physical therapy pools in the area that I could get to.  (I'm not completely irrational.)  

Then I threw my name in the ring and, motivated by rage and frustration, I sold myself as a great candidate for the thing!  And they were really impressed and agreed that I should do the thing.

In some ways, I AM a great candidate for the thing!  In some other ways, I mean, have you heard about how my body is falling apart?  And how it reacts when there is a lot of stress?  Or reacts to travel?  Or sitting wrong for 10 minutes?  Or moving too fast for 1 second?  I am NOT a spry 20-something who can up and move a lot and sit in a regular chair and do work for 12 hours a day and be FINE.

And have you MET me?  I mean, do you remember how awkward it was to get to know me (if you did so as an adult since my chronic pain shenanigans have ramped up)?  How many times I forgot your name.  How many times I still forget your name?  And can't remember things about you that are important?  Or forget words?  Or lose my train of thought?  Or can't remember the sentence you just said?  Or the last word I said?  What was I talking about?

For a while, I was in a negative place and this was my way to escape.  

And that's . . . not the best reason to make an important and life-altering decision that could potentially destroy you.  

Especially not when your foot is MAD about . . . whatever it is mad about.  And your shoulder.  And your knee.  And . . .   There are a lot of ands in this list.  I will be away from all the medical professionals who are familiar with my connective tissue disorder and know how to safely literally shove my skeleton and joints back in place on a regular basis.  And the therapy pool will be colder and louder.

I will lose access to all my books, manga, and anime DVDs.  For a year.  

I'm a leader / facilitator in two small groups with my church and lead lots of projects at work.  I have friends I hang out with when I'm feeling people-y.  I have a kid I mentor.  Going to a place where you lose access to all your people when you are not in the best mental place is also . . . maybe not the smartest plan.

But.

Where I was is probably worse.  

And I don't know what I could have done to make it better.  I've sort of lost confidence in my ability to do so.  And maybe interest in breaking myself (more) trying.

So, lots of intense new challenges, some of which I can probably help with.  In a different place.  With completely different people.  Sort of with the same company, doing things to help make peoples' lives better.

It is an adventure.  I chose it, for whatever not-great reasons, so let's see what happens.

It's Gonna Be All Right - Probably

 Deep breaths! 

"It's Gonna Be All Right" by Sara Groves has also been running through my head a lot lately.  Like my brain is trying to tell me something . . .  I hope it's right.  If not in this case, at least it's Sara Groves.  Now I need to listen to the whole album.  And her whole catalog.

Someone asked about this.  If you want to get notified about new posts, you can try this.  Let me know what happens?  I'm honestly not sure.  : D

New Opportunities to not be MacGyver

Got the new wrist brace. Have a clever plan to prevent it from breaking in that way this time. 

Beautiful. : D  We got this! 

Pull Me Out

"Pull Me Out" by Bebo Norman

"Well this could be all about just letting go, or this could be all about just holding on." 

I have loved this song since the first time I heart it years ago.  And every word feels very present right now as I still feel like things are flying apart for me.  I am still very hurt by the betrayal of my leaders, but is it really the right choice to just give up and run away?  Shouldn't I be trying to wrestle with my hurt and humiliation to get to a place where I can carry on like I was before doing good work I enjoy (less of it moving forward due to some other changes they're making)?  Can I keep up with those changes. (I don't think so.)  I don't have a clear idea of what the right choice is.  I feel very stuck, and I want someone to pull me out.

That's what I was feeling a couple months ago.  And then there was this email that said they needed someone with my expertise who maybe would like to move to Canada for a year.  And it felt like maybe that was how God was reaching down here to help pull me out.

Maybe it was, but maybe it wasn't.  Maybe it doesn't matter.  Maybe I just have to trust that God will be with me regardless of my choice.  And that there is a good ending on either path.

"There is happiness for those who accept their fate.  There is glory for those who defy their fate." - Princess Tutu anime

Stay tuned.

This is the face of a person who is excited about a book she won't read for 10 years!

The release of this book has been a SAGA, friends. I am so excited about it! And it came here before I left! And I am not going to get to read it for probably 10 years. 

This author writes epic, detailed, dense, interconnected series, so I will buy each one in this last (she promises for really real) series as it comes out and then read the human-sized stack of books all at once.  And it will be glorious! 

So, no, I am not getting distracted. I am not going to try to pack this monster. I will live in anticipation and drool over the cover by Jody Lee (fox! moon! tree!). And don't even get me started about the next Murderbot book coming out this week! (An embarrassment of riches!)

Any books coming out this year you're looking forward to reading? Or that you read that I should add to my list of things to read in the great white north? 

I mean, I guess this is better

MUST WE, wrist brace? Seriously?! 

In retrospect, it's much better for this to snap BEFORE I leave, but that is NOT how I felt that day. New one is here, sporty black and blue. We are ALL FINE. 

Well, except the knee brace, which we are waiting for replacement pads on. And the shoe orthotics we're trying to break in. And the fingers that keep bending the wrong way. And the ribs that won't stay in place to the absolute rage of the amazing dislocating shoulder. And the plantar fasciitis. And my splintered squirrelly attention. 

But, I mean, yes. Technically overall more fine than not. 

How is autumn going for you? 🤣

Well, fortune cookie fans, have we got news for you!

So, fortune cookie fans, I am temporarily relocating to Canada for work, and this fortune cookie wants me to know it was ON IT.

There is a LOT to do and organize and research (I might be leaving December 1), and for reasons I'm feeling pretty scattered. If you'd like to help in any of the following ways, let me know! 

A. Claim a research mission from a list, do the research, compile it, and dump it in the Notes for me to look at when I get a second. Feel free to leave comments on something if you have questions. (Private message me with the email you want to use to get access to the Google doc.) (Ex. Research specific kind of massage person near where I'll be and make a list with links!)

B. Claim an in-person mission to come hang out and help me GET A THING DONE for the love of Bob.  (Ex. Food sorting and donating!) (Private message me with the email you want to use to get access to the Google doc.)

C. Check back here (or subscribe or whatever) and comment and interact with each other on stuff I post in my frazzlement to show that you care and appreciate the effort I am putting forth to try to be humorous!

All are valid forms of helping!  Thank you in advance, and stay tuned.